Hey deviously awesome peoples of the deviantART world!



So, I'll deviate from my usual devious posts here and talk about a problemo I'm going through right now.

So I have this good friend, I met her a few years (or year?) back during summer. And I fell for her. But I thought it'd be just like all my other crushes -- hopeless.

So I just repressed it I guess or forced myself to accept that nothing would happen. And so we became friends. Close friends. Since several months ago, we have talked every single day.

I feel like I can tell her just about anything and everything. And we do talk about anything and everything from the sublime to the ridiculous to the boring and everywhere in between.

But recently, she realized she had feelings for me and told me that she did have these feelings. We talked about it, and I told her I had to think more, because I wasn't sure if I still had repressed feelings deep inside, or if I had truly moved on.

Then one day, it just hit me. I had already moved on. And I was pissed. I was sooo pissed.


But I just couldn't say anything for a few days. My mind was just in a whirlwind.

So I did have a big crush on her before, but, foreals? Why did she have to like me, now that I didn't quite see her the same way anymore.

I wanted. I waited. I hoped. I really just hoped for it. Oh God, I wanted it so bad. Just someone there. I really wanted it. I thought this was my chance.
But then that would be lying, to continue to say nothing.


I didn't know. I didn't know what to do. Life sucks when you know your life touches the lives of others. Before that made me feel so good. Wow. My life makes a difference. I make a difference to other people. I used to get such a giddy feeling. Not anymore...

And I feel like I've waited all my life. All my life I've spent trying to make people happy. I used to be a people pleaser. And I still am, to a lesser extent. Before I was just so damn desperate. Then I got so killed of the idea, I thought it was all hopeless. By high school, I said no more. I'm going to be me. And maybe people will like me. Maybe they won't.

Lately everyone at my school is hooking up. Lately, some of my guy friends have had girls literally on them every moment they enter the room. Both cases, I keep asking, Why? Why not me? Why don't I get this treatment? Am I just not meant for it?

But then I quickly shoot those thoughts down because I know how depressed I can get over them. And plus, I'm barely even alive yet, I still have a whole life ahead of me.

...

I would say that there is one big regret to this whole incident. But I made a promise never to have regrets. Somehow, we were meant to do what we do for a reason. God means the best for us. I'll trust him.
I just wish God would tell me why all this is happening. I know I will realize it later, but at the moment, I'd like to know why.

But the thing is, I'm so scared of losing her. Losing her as a friend. Losing that close relationship we had, that I felt transcended girlfriend/boyfriend, that transcended brother/sister. I don't want to lose that. I love it. I cherish it.
I'm afraid that she'll stop opening up to me on somethings now.

I told her no matter what happens, I want her to be able to trust me no matter what with anything. I want her to be able to tell me what's on her mind and not guard anything. Not hide anything from me.

For a while that's what it was. But now, I don't know. She seems happy-esque. But I'm sure she's hurting somewhere inside. From what she's already told me in the past. I am sure I hurt her. I just wish she would tell me.



-Kira/Kuya/Turtles/etc.



.:Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam:.